What does it take to be a truly great lover? Without one foundational thing, no techniques, timing, breathing or knowledge of anatomy will take you there. While there is a lot to know about those things, they all pale in comparison to these: Presence and Awareness.

This post will cover presence. When you are present, you are not thinking about the future or the past: Presence is being fully here, in this moment. Have you ever made love with a partner whose mind seemed elsewhere? How did that feel for you in those moments?

Now, imagine a time where you and your lover were fully connected. Your eyes locked on each others. No words needed to be said.  Not thinking about what “move” to do next. Just being there and flowing with each moment. Presence is letting go of expectations about how things should be, and just being.

Then, imagine a time you were with a lover. You felt like you were doing all the things right… You kissed her neck in those sensitive areas. You used your fingers and your mouth to make her ready for you. You played with her breasts and her clitoris. And yet… It didn’t feel connected.

You were not fully present. You were too focused on the technique and choreography of the sex and not enough on just being there with her.

Presence is not just for the bedroom. Presence is key to being a great leader, a great listener, and a great lover. Charismatic leaders are known for making each person they speak to feel like the most important person on the planet, like no one else exists (Napoleon Hill wrote about the importance of Sexual Energy in his business classic, Think And Go Rich). Make your lover feel like they are the only one that exists for you in that moment.

How can you cultivate more presence? Firstly, the amount of presence you have to give is directly linked to how much sexual energy you have. You’re probably giving your power away without even realising it. So if you’re watching too much porn, or ejaculating too frequently, the presence bank account is going to be in credit. You can’t give what you don’t have.

But how can you focus that male sexual energy and bring it into presence with your lover? The ancient practice of Tantra gives us a great tool for that.

Next time, before you make love, sit opposite your partner and look in their eyes for 2 to 3 minutes. This may feel uncomfortable at first, you may want to laugh, pull a face, or do something to relieve the tension. Don’t judge yourself, just breathe and sit with any feelings that come up. See your partner, see their beauty, their flaws, their soul, their divinity…

And when the time feels right, come together.